The Nicolas Mikhaili Story

nutmeg_1 @ 2007-12-30T01:31:00

2007-12-30T06:36:20Z

every weekend i come home i thank god for being part of such a wonderful town
these last two weeks were no different

i want to grow old here
i want to love here
i want to wake up every morning and cry cause of this towns beauty

i love it here
Aurora: where you dont need anything to be happy

happy new year everyone. i hope you all have a wonderful time
its not gonna be the same without you guys

nutmeg_1 @ 2007-11-19T22:49:00

2007-11-20T04:01:45Z

Every night the dream is the same
my daughter and wife are the only two women in my life
i love my daughter with all my heart. i would do anything for her. but she hates and disrespects me and treats me like crap. i do everything to try and impress her but all she does is get farther and farther away from me as she grows up.
my wife cares about me. but she feels like she can do better, and wants to be with another man. she leaves me everytime.
the dream always ends with me all by myself sitting with whats left of my life. i never cry, but sit all alone feeling empty, thinking i will never feel again.

youd think after the first month id have an answer to my dream, to fix it for a happy ending.
but i cant
and there are 2 possible reasons.
1) its inevitable
2) it represents my life perfectly and until i can changehow i act around woman it will always be this way

based on my every relationship in my life....i know its both

tell me what should I expect if I was set up to fail

2007-08-22T23:53:12Z

I honestly cannot beleive it has already been a year
This time last year I was completley dead. Saw no future, felt no happiness, and felt myself slipping farther and farther away from everyone close to me...
It was the most pain I have ever felt and wished it upon nobody.
Thanks so much to everyone who stuck by me. You honestly have no idea how thankful and how much debt i owe you. Thanks to those who gave me tough love, and thanks to those who were honest with me.I know at times you felt like giving up and I thank you for not. You know who you are..

What I am happy to announce is that I'm happier than ever before. or at least as happy as when I was a kid. I'm confident again, I feel smart again (as much as it kills me that i still cant read people as good as Rocco and Jim in poker) and for the first time in a while I have a vision of my life. I know who I can trust as well. Thats something I've never known. My life is great, and this is not a bluff to fool anyone. I'm happy. the end.

There are still things I don't and probably will never understand. Hopefully the universe will sort it out for me. I Beleive in it. thats also something I've never done either.

I accomplished my goals and I'm never looking back. The greatest person I know told me to stop dwelling and looking back. I stopped, and it did nothing but help me. I'm gonna miss you.

Happy anniversary if it means anything. If there is a God we'll meet under the right circumstance so I can learn everything.

It was fucking dynamite

2007-07-19T16:25:39Z

Look at your old posts
Are you a different person now from who you were then
hopefully
Cause everyday is a new day full of new lessons and problems
Every year is a collective of new lessons and how we dealt with our problems
Moving on is as natural as waking up every morning

Life's a beach. Build a castle knowing it will be washed away.....

the end of an era

2007-01-23T20:14:03Z

god bless you pit cards (especially hearts)

you will be missed

also i went 5/6 to end the hearts season

with tactfulness and grace

2006-12-17T20:55:51Z

is it just me? or is it everyone else?

cause ive acted like its me already and that didnt work

im outside of your window, with my radio

2006-12-12T03:04:28Z

alright, fine, i accept defeat
mckim is right, greg is right but i just want to say one thing before we never have a beloved lj argument again

i will refuse to join facebook. i dont want to grow up yet, and i dont think any of you do either
why are we giving up on the site that let us be the stupid, arguing kids we are.
we had fun and none of you can deny it
growing up is overrated

the ability to feel is something we all take for granted. the fact that we get angry and emotional is something that should be celebrated. i want to be human again.
everyday at several times i have to convince myself of who i am, why im alive and why i should stay alive. it is the worst thing ever. we have lost touch with each other and it kills me. i want the stupid debates back that made me angry or doubt friendships. i want to stay a kid for a little longer. its one of the things i like about being in high-school still. im still a kid and i dont have to be an adult if i dont want to be.
i hate insomnia and what its done to make me lose feeling. i dont want any of you to lose it either.

i urge you, no, ask you to do me a favour
make one last emo post. make one last funny post. make one last post descirbing your day of why you love someone. this is mine and ill do another soon

if you still dont like this site afterwards, go on, leave for good and i wwont judge. ill understand and move on like i shouldve a long time ago.

being a kid is something we can boast about for only a few more years max. lets not waste it or take it for granted.

i remember every word youve ever said to me....

sorry in advance

2006-12-04T03:35:22Z

you know that feeling you get when you think youre dreaming
when you think youve been asleep for the past five minutes and at this exact moment youve awoken
you have to convince yourself of who you are
of what youve accomplished
about why you should continue on
that feeling you get when youre half alive
......am i even alive?

....i didnt think so

i want to let go, but i know i cant

killing me wouldve been kosher? sigh....acceptable

2006-11-30T19:26:42Z

my father once said:

the first time a man calls you a horse : you punch them on the nose

the second time a man calls you a horse : you call them a jerk

the third time they call you a horse : ...well....maybe its time to go buy a saddle

god i love that line

this worked the day i won the 40

2006-11-22T03:03:55Z

i just wanna sleep.

nutmeg_1 @ 2006-11-12T22:25:00

2006-11-13T03:25:20Z

god bless charlie geiylickman

if it werent him i wouldnt be able to now listen to redeemer and define the great line on my ipod

when i dream at night

2006-10-31T19:46:00Z

i only feel alive when i dream at night
even though shes not real its alright; every move that she makes holds my eyes

kudos to anyone who knows that song

i think my real problem is that i still think about you

2006-10-26T03:18:04Z

sometimes i think i havent changed at all

i still barely feel awake these days

Hopefully i can sleep tonight without thinking about my life
i think that is whats been keeping me up these last few months

i hate night school. i hate you. i hate life(sometimes). i hate insomnia. i hate it when i dont succeed like i expect. i hate it how im losing my mind.
i wanna beleive im still smart, but im so sleep deprived that i dont even half think anymore. this is terrible

im finally ungrounded fully and officially, but i doubt any of you really care.
my phone is eye candy to me. i make so many calls and get so little back

(except mckim, he cares)
(dont even think of saying it dewey, ramsay and chris)

*biggest sigh ever*

and it wont just go away

2006-10-18T02:13:10Z

see you next tuesday eh jim?

lets break out the shotguns, were going to town

2006-10-11T01:49:25Z

ive missed my baby

rocco said it best, the feeling you get when you do it yourself
i cant wait until im alone again with my baby

embrace your company, company; the sun beats down on your company

2006-10-08T23:46:14Z

yesterday was a bad high

and today was a wierd drunk with my family

yeah

2006-10-03T02:57:36Z

today me and (if you will beleive it) charlie geylickman (modu) had a heart to heart in english

becuase i respect what he has to say ill keep his situation confidential

but it got me to thinking, hes starting to expierence everything i expeirienced years ago, and even though hes a year younger it still freaks me out how much i bring to the tables now adays

i kept my biast to myself but i cant help but thinking that i shouldve said something. i think im right though, hes gotta learn it for himself, its the only way he'll learn really

basically, hes just like all of us, everyone of us, anyone whos posted an lj, he just shows it differently, so enough with the jokes and enough with judging this guy
give him the respect he deserves

thank you

sigh

2006-10-02T18:01:12Z

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Hallowe'en with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...

Where'd you go?

of what culture is mark vanspall?

2006-09-26T02:27:27Z

night school blows, its boring and the indian guy talking in improper english is full of himself

why did i miss so much english again? can someone please explain to me my logic

fuck!!!

bury your head in your hands and sink into yourself

2006-09-22T02:20:09Z

i just fucking hate being grounded! its honestly the worst cause theres not much i can do at this time of night without my parents getting mad or me getting in more trouble.
whats worse is that im in solitude, and i cant even talk away my problems or be social with my friends.
i hate being antisocial

whats ironic is that the other night while not sleeping everything about the last 6 months hit me. and i am completely anit-social

im a jerk, straight up. and i realized how great my life wouldve been if i had the same social skills i used to have instead of the one where i push everyone away. i fought everyone who used to be important to me just so i could define myself. my stupid search for full respect ended up in me losing alot of respect. i screwed up big time and payed every price for it.
im fortunate enough to have some wonderful friends and i thank you for supporting me through everything i did. im sure you hated me at times but i could still count on you to never abandon me, and that means alot, and you guys will get the best of me again (and free pizza lol)

for all those i fought and pushed away. im sorry. im tired of being this forcefield of emotion that wont let you get anywhere near me. im gonna start being there for all of you again. ill listen, talk, and be fun again you have my word and i hope deweys party was an example of who im becoming again.

im not gonna be the nick that some used to walk all over, but i will be the fun, social kid again. the middle ground as i like to call it, what ive been searching for really.

even though the first few months of the new me were the defining, they were still some of the best. remember? when we didnt just all pile in a house. we had bonfires, went out for dinner, and did alot of random shit. sure some nights were terrible, but others were the best times of our lives you cant deny that. that mix of imagination and teenage fun is something id like to have again when im finally free. after the frist great party of my freedom. which we will need a house lol. i miss those days, its arguable that our best days are behind us.

i feel like ive had the greatest epiphany ever, i hope i can finally get my life on track and be happier than i ever was

thinking is the best and worst thing that ever comes out of grounding

close your eyes and die

2006-09-19T00:47:33Z

Can they just fucking sell Norma Jean's Redeemer in store!!!! like fuck !! its been a week since it came out

this is so fucking gay, im doing bad in english again

She never fixes this! ....get it?

2006-09-13T02:01:47Z

i knew right away youd know, thanks

i just hope this works

youll figure out this puzzle too...just dont comment

july 30 06

lets get these teen hearts beating faster, faster

2006-09-05T23:10:06Z

its just really hard to think that never again when i walk out my house this entire semester will rob be there to walk with me....

last year whenever i was in a bad mood in the morning or after school id do my best to walk by myself and hope that rob or anyone would not meet up with me just so i wouldnt have to snap at them or show them that i was upset in any way.

this morning when greg came to my house and said hi, i told him and my brother to go on without me. why you ask?
becuase i almost cried thinking and realising that i took walking each day to school with rob for granted, and that really up until 3rd period (which me and mark vanspall are leaving) i am all by myself. no one on the bus anymore, no more meeting everyone on the 3rd floor every morning and relaxing until 1st, no more god first period classes, (geometry was amazing and me and chris had a blast in phsyics) and no more fighting for spots at hearts at lunch. nothing, its all gone. fuck-ing-a.

today was the most depressing day of my life as you can tell. whenever i was by myself in a class i felt like i was in grade 1 again, coming to a new school with no friends and upset about the fact that id have to make new ones.
im gonna do my best to put a smile on my face and others each day but im really regretting all my choices last year.

and still....im gonna wait a minute on my doorstep every morning....just incase you decide to come.....but i know you wont....and theres nothing i can do to change it now.

its time for us to take a chance

2006-09-05T01:03:54Z

ive gotten unlucky and ive also blown alot of things this past year
but i think jim said it best in the sense that school will just not be the same.

i miss all who have left and who were my best friends
if i had the money id bring a keg to each and every dorm
but becuase im poor only rocco and will get the luxury, its a suprise though as roccos going away present that i never had time to get him so shhhhh

starting tomorow i cant make any more excuses. basically i have to put up or shut up and do what i say i can do finally. if not i will blow my future and everything i told myself that would be ok in staying back a year and slacking last year will be all for nothing

i had fun. and now i have to work hard.......i hate that

lalalalalalalala woah-oh woah-oh lalalalalalala woah-oh woah-oh

No destruction is constructive!

2006-08-28T02:14:59Z

NO!!!

my haircut sucks balls

the only way youll see me in the next week is if you can randomly meet me at parks when im "at the gym"

or to be as lucky as dewey and go to the same school as me

fuck i hate life